ALJ 2.0
TITLE: BASEBALL AND OLD MEN

* Domestic Aquatic Avenger is by a doorway obviously freaking out, because in the center of the room we see his mother with her chest cavity like it exploded from the inside out. And by her gruesome corpse we find Justiceman casually laughing.*

Narrator- This is a story about trust

DAA- Justiceman I told you to give my mother her medicine twice a day, what happened?

Justiceman- Medicine? I thought you said nitroglycerine OOPs ha ha ha ha ha!


*Captain Steroid is particularly vein-y this panel and is fuming about an empty cookie jar and, Plaidipus is violently sobbing and malnourished.*

Narrator- This is a story about truth

CS- OKAY! Who’s the motherfucker who stole the cookie from the cookie jar!  

Plaidipus- It was me, I’m really really sorry, but you guys never let me eat food I’ve been surviving for the last six months on copper wiring and drier lint…*sob*  


*(next panel) Plaidipus gets shot in the shoulder by CS*   

CS- Because you’re a robot sent by a government splinter group to infiltrate our team?

Plaidipus-  I’m bleeding why would I be a robot, oh my god this hurts so much

CS- WELL I GETS A BIT CRAZY WHEN I MISS OUT ON MAH DAILY DOSE OF COOOKIE!!!!


*Dr. Mystick is slapping Wonderwear’s ass. Wonderwear looks horrified.*

Narrator- this is a story about family


*Plaidipus has hung himself*

Narrator- this is a story about…

Narrator-ahh lets just keep moving shall we?
  

*Justiceman is crushing a car with a pose similar to Superman’s on his first comic cover.*

Narrator- But most importantly this is a story about Justice.

Justiceman- Move your ass, lesser being!

Threatened bystander- Watch out for the gas tank Justiceman, its set to blow!


*(next panel) Justiceman explodes the car with his heat vision.*

Justiceman- look buddy, I’m a major super hero and a functioning alcoholic I think I know a little bit more than you do about saving lives.

Arrow pointing to explosion- …no survivors



*The whole team is in a group shot like those cheesy JLA group photos except for Plaidipus who is still hanging by a noose.*

Narrator- We’re the Avenging League of Justice we may be crap but we’re all you got

Team- HA HA HA HA HA!


*A crabclaw breaks a television*

???- these kids are out of control!

*(next panel) we see a man in his late 60’s wearing a graduation robe and cap with thick glasses and a giant crab claw for a right hand. Doing a dynamic pose in front of his broken turned over television.*

???- Looks like it’s time for Professor Crab Claw to come out of his shell!

Wife (off panel except for a fat hand brandishing a frying pan) –No it looks like it’s time for “Professor Crab Claw” to pick up a new fricken T.V. set!

Prof-*sigh* …yes dear

END OF PROLOGUE


*Change scene now we have a pulled back view of a baseball diamond and little dots (people on the field)*

Narrator- It’s a beautiful Sunday Afternoon and our self serving vigilantes have decided to spend it playing this nations past time with our boys in blue let’s try to sneak a closer look.


*Dr. Mystick is in a baseball cap holding a baseball next to his crotch trying to hit on a female cop.*

Mystick- Hey babe what say you and me play us a private game if you’re lucky I’ll even let you hold my bat and go for a homerun

(Next panel essentially same as the first)

Policewoman- Sir I’ll have you know I brought handcuffs to the game

Mystick- Ohhh kinky, might want to also fetch me a ball gag and some leg spreaders I’ve been a very naughty boy.       

Policewoman- *sigh* just please leave me alone

Narrator- Three strikes you’re out!


*Stereotypical policeman is up at bat and hits a baseball*

Narrator- Top of the seventh inning, the police league is up at bat… and it’s a fly ball!


*Domestic Aquatic Avenger is wearing glasses a baseball cap a catcher’s mitt and is staring up at the sky in the outfield. Behind you see the score panel. ALJ -4, Police 52.*

Off panel- Come on Domestic Aquatic Avenger grow some hair on your cock and catch the fucking ball!

Off panel- My post mortem girlfriend could do a better job ya pussy!  

Off panel- I’ve fallen in love with my toaster oven and we shall be wed in Canada, I invite you all to the bridal shower

Off panel- what?  

DAA- don’t panic don’t panic don’t panic don’t panic don’t panic.


*Close up on DAA’s sweaty face*

DAA- Wait I got this. I have super powers! I’ll just send out a signal to a flock of sharks and a giant squid and I’ll save the… oh no, but I’m above water…THIS POWER BLOWS I CAN’T DO ANYTHING RIGHT! The ability to talk to fish real fucking useful Poseidon! Maybe you could just give me some gills while you’re at it! ARGGGGGGGHH!


*DAA gets hit in the face with the baseball*     

Narrator- at least you have your dignity… oh

*Scene shifts to the dugout where we see Justiceman in some baseball garb (beer hat) talking to an overweight police chief who’s scratching his head with a pistol.*

Police chief- Look Mr. Justice it’s not like I don’t enjoy baseball, whisky, and getting back at the ALJ for the relentless property damage by whipping your asses every other Sunday-

Justiceman- *urp* carburetor ice cream jungle…

Police chief- right… but shouldn’t somebody be looking after you’re ah wha-cha-ma-call-it mansion of justice?

Justiceman- Relax cop mop I got Plaidipus holding down the fort.


*Plaidipus is in the same position as the previous with a noose around his neck*

Narrator(pointing with arrow)- Still dead from page 1, See kids we do have continuity!  


*Wonderwear is wearing an umpire uniform (which doesn’t cover her breasts or emphasizes them or whatever just something sexy) Crash is senselessly vibrating and looks somewhat confused.*

Wonderwear- Come on Crash! Since Domestic Aquatic, is useless, we need you to play another position.

Crash- Okay okay ahh lets see I could be catcher no wait no wait that’s your position, um um …um um um um um first base but I can catch faster than I can throw so something in outfield yeah outfield yeah butwaitwhatifthesungetsinmyeyeI’llneedglassesbutwhohasglasses?wonderwearcaptainsteroid,justiceman,ahhh

Wonderwear- Hey don’t get so worked up or you might…


*Crash tears a rift in space and time Wonderwear has an “well here we go again expression on her face”*

Wonderwear- Tear a hole in time and space …again *sigh*


*Crash has been thrusted back to the time of the powdered wigs and wooden dentures (around the 1700’stime of the revolution) there’s a several proper British men pointing at the obviously out of place Crash.*

Crash-noohnoohnoohn!DidIgobackintimeagainCRAPI’msosorryspaceandtimeIdidn’tmeantonobodynoticemenobodynoticeme nobodynoticeme nobodynoticeme nobodynoticeme

Englishman1- He doth speakith five times the quickness of thy common peasant.

Englishman2- BURN THE WITCH!

Narrator-I’m sure this plot point won’t be important later on in the issue.


*Captain Steroid just hit a baseball into the sky the crowd is astonished, There are several syringes hooked into his back and other parts of his body.*

Narrator- presently

Anonymous1- What a slammer he hit that one outta da park

Anonymous2- Screw the park I think it escaped the earth’s gravity


*Cute little girl is talking to her white trash father in the bleachers*

Little girl-Daddy why is Captain Steroid so good at baseball?

“Daddy”- Because he’s a true American Hero, STEAK APPLE PIES AND HUMVEES RAAAAAAAAAH!


*Police Chief in catchers outfit and Wonderwear are arguing with Captain Steroid in the middle kind of spacing out.*

Police chief- Wait a minute…wait a minute! Doesn’t count! the batter is obviously using performance enhancing drugs!

Wonderwear- Oh like you have any proof.   

Police Chief- For one his superhero name is god damn Captain Steroid and what else could that syringe in his eye be filled with!?

Wonderwear- Honesty and teamwork

Police chief- BULL SHIT! I’m pulling him out!

CS- I’m out?


*Close up on captain steroids face all sweaty, stretched and tripped out*

Captain Steroid- I’m out? I’M OUT…I’m ooouuuuutt…


*Suddenly Captain Steroid is having a flash back to Vietnam suddenly he’s in the jungle and its really chaotic there are explosions everywhere as well as enemy fire. *

Captain Steroid- I’m out! Someone toss me a clip or I’m dead meat!


*Gets grabed by some dude in an eye patch*

One-eye- Ya moronic bi-clops keep your head down or you won’t last a second out here, lord know this ain’t Disney land. Where you from boy?

Captain Steroid- South Dakota, fourth battalion sir!

One-Eye- oh yeah know who I heard was from South Dakota?

Captain Steroid- who?

One-Eye- Pussies and cavemen  


*Hands CS an ak-47*

One-Eye- Now you take old Gladis and man the cover fire lord knows since I lost ol’ blinky (points to eye patch) I couldn’t even hit a pope on dope

Captain Steroid- But sir then you’ll be without a weapon

One-Eye- Better a young buck then an old fart. Now quick I’ll make a distraction and then we’ll see if we can’t take out a few of these cong bastards.     


*One-eye is violently shot through the chest.*   

One-eye- I just want to live long enough so I can one day laugh about *ack*

CS- Someone get me a medic!!!


*One-eye is dying in CP’s arms*

One-eye-you’re a good man but twelve feet of discarded long intestine tells me this ain’t just a “flesh wound”. Heh always wanted to say that I always loved Monty Python, what’s that thing they saud…oh yeah *cough* “always look on the bright side of-

CS-no …no


*Scene snaps back to reality where we find CS is actually shooting up and killing many people at the baseball game. Wonderwear is just standing there looking embarrassed.*

CS-NOOOOO*

Narrator- *that’s called shell shock kids!

Wonderwear- Captain Steroid shooting up local police department during friendly baseball game in park?  well isn’t this fan-fucking-tastic. Justiceman can you please end this before were on the six o’clock news?  

Justiceman- *urp* you got it queen of the Nile…


*Justiceman is dynamically flying towards the camera*

Narrator- Fun fact #31 Justiceman can reach 0 to 300 mph in less than two seconds.


*Justiceman crashes into Brewery*

Narrator- Fun fact #31 b. Justiceman is a struggling alcoholic with the attention span of a dead hobo on Viagra.    

Voice coming from brewery- He’s back!
                                          - Quick everyone take your complimentary after dinner cyanide pills!


*Back at the baseball diamond…complete chaos everything’s on fire and CS is holding a very large hunting knife to the police chief.*

Police Chief- Look ah… Captain Steroid right? You don’t want to do this, we’ve all been there, but we can talk this out like reasonable adults nobody has to get (especially me) okay?    

CS- I’M GOING TO OPEN YOU LIKE A BAG OF CHIPS AND USE YOUR LONG INTESTINE AS A JUMP ROPE!


*A mysterious figure in shadow has thrown a crab onto CS’s face thus blinding him*

CS-This stupid fish blinded me!

???- Blind? Guess you haven’t read a paper recently or can’t you read junkie boy?


*Shadowy figure is grabbing CS by the collar of his shirt.*

  ???- Most fish are high in omega 3 fatty acid which helps make that stressed out drug pumping heart of yours lasts one more measly day, you like living? ANSWER ME JUNKIE!!

CS- Yeah I like it fine


*Mysterious shadowy figure bitch slaps CP with crab claw*

???- Then quit trying to piss me off

Wonderwear(off panel)- hello?


*Mysterious figure manages to finally knock out CS*

???- And everyday your heart doesn’t give out you’ll have me to thank for prolonging your miserable existence, and I’m going to have to live with that

-So do us both a favor and retire early before I show you the spine melter which took down Dr. Nazi back in 63’     

Wonderwear- EXCUSE ME!


*Shadowy figure turns around to face an impatient Wonderwear.*

???- what?!

Wonderwear- I mean this is in the nicest way possible, but who the fuck are you?!

???- Jeeze Louise back in my day the only thing female super heroes were good for was dish washing and back rubs. But if you must know…  


*Professor Crab claw in some dynamic pose*

PCC- I am the pinch you get late at night without knowing why, I am Justice with a lemon wedge on the side I am… Professor Crab Claw!! Now only 3.49 with the purchase of any medium drink.


*Everyone stares for a panel*

*Everyone starts just breaks out laughing*


*Wonderwear tries to consol the old man*

Wonderwear- ohhh I know this is sort of rude, but aren’t you a bit old to fight crime? I’m guessing two to one you’re packing adult diapers and a three year old grandson named “Waldorf”,

PCC- … his name is Woodley

Wonderwear- whatever…just do us all a favor and haul your senile prehistoric moldy old self off to whatever sinkhole of a retirement center my tax dollars insufficiently pay for, I’m sure their serving your favorite, liquid roast beef with a side of “I HOPE YOU DIE SOON”. So shoo you and your Crab motifs are breathing my air.

Narrator- I’m sure his heart would be breaking if it wasn’t made out of plastic


*Close up on PCC picking up a bucket with a big tacky “C” sticker on it*

PCC- you think that white noise works on me sweetheart? I’ve been in this game fifty-three years that mean’s I’ve been punching out genetically enhanced Nazi super soldiers when your mom was in diapers. Witty banter? I fucking pioneered witty banter, or do you think every two dollar shmuck with a spider bite learned to distract a villain on their own, eh?

-But you want clever huh? You want me to be snappy fine I can be snappy.


*PCC tosses bucket o’  crabs on Wonderwear I want this to have the same emotional look as Harvey dent getting splashed with acid.*

PCC- I can be snappy all over your face.

WW- Ahhhh!


*Crabs all over Wonderwear though she’s fairly unimpressed*

WW- wait…these are just regular crabs, no laser beams, no hunger for flesh, no belief in fascist ideals? This is soooo stupid but hey I guess you missed the lesson on being clever when your family was considering pulling the plug during your last coma. BAH ZING!

PCC- just wait for it.


*Wonderwear just looks totally frightened and horrified at the crabs.*

Crab1- a penny saved is a penny earned.

Crab2- strike while the irons hot, dear

Crab3- it’s not whether you win or lose its how you played the game.

Crab4- mmmm prunes!

WW-whaaa?


*PCC is just doing a careless shrug*

PCC- Oh? Didn’t I mention these crabs share the brain patterns of some of my most special old people friends? Our constant go nowhere proverbs and senility form a potent psychological cocktail which can drive some to suicide….



*PCC knocks out WW with his crab claw*

PCC- or at least distract a certain two cent hussy till I can punch her in the face!
Now I won’t say it again take a vacation, play golf, save the whales I don’t care, just leave my city alone. The only villains left are you folks, your truly a disgrace to your costumes.  


*Dr. Mystick bitch slaps PCC with a giant Mystick force hand…thing*

Dr. Mystick- Yeah this coming from the saggy 70 year old in spandex whose super power is an S.T.D.    

PCC- ack… who in Washington’s dentures are you boy?


*Mystick is in a completely badass pose, whose summoning psychic death tentacles to wrap around the old man*     

Mystick- I’m your worst fucking nightmare

PCC- I already whipped the rest of your team.

Mystick- Somehow I don’t think they were willing to beat up an old guy, but I’m different, I have self esteem issues.  


*Mystick beating up (not with magic just with hands and legs)  old man in a sort of visual montage*

Mystick- Oh and by the way try not to bleed on my cloak it’s a mixture of human skin and Italian polyester.


*We find the old man beaten to a bloody pulp coughing up teeth at Mystick’s feet*

PCC- *cough* you may be able to take my life but you’ll never take my spirit!

Mystick- oh yeah?


*Mystick shoots a beam out of his middle fingers that separates PCC’s soul from his body.*

Mystick- my six volume set of “Magic for Dummies” says otherwise.


*Mystick has now put the old man in a kind of spirit jar type thing*   

PCC- What have you done to me!

Mystick- Turned you into the best bang worthy conversation piece ever! I’ll be all like “I totally have an old man trapped in a glass jar above my bedroom fire place” and she’ll be all like “no way” and I’ll be like “yeah totally the king of France gave it to me after I won the noble peace prize”.  


*Mystick is just chirping away while the old man grows increasingly frustrated*

Mystick- So we’ll go up to my room and I’ll start talking about my eight year old son with Alzheimer’s and how he got fourth in a spelling bee [insert motivational speech here] blah blah blaaaah then we have sex.

PCC- I’ve had …just …about …


*PCC breaks out of bottle*

PCC- ENOUGH!



*PCC possesses flock of crabs*         

PCC- You think this is my first night on patrol or something? MY SECOND EX-WIFE WAS A NAZI ALIEN SHAPESHIFTER!! MY BEST FRIEND WAS MURDERED IN A COMPANY WIDE CROSSOVER! I’VE GONE THROUGH MORE SIDE KICKS THEN YOU HAVE KLEENEX!!


*PCC starts forming a muscular new composite crab body*

PCC- EVERYTIME I DIE SOME SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD QUEER TAKES MY PLACE OR THE GOVERNMENT RESSURECTS ME AS A HULKING MASS OF FLESH DRIVEN ONLY BY HATE AND MORPHINE LOTS AND LOTS OF MORPHIIIINE!!! And that was on a slow day.


*PCC has transformed into this disturbing humanoid composite crab creature*

PCC-You’d think I’d deserve a peaceful retirement but no, the second I decide to tie that not I hear about your snot nosed team of punks on the T.V. WELL THIS IS THE END!!!!


*PCC has picked up Mystick with one claw and is about to start the massive pummeling when he hears his cell phone ring*

Mystick- So… I take it we’re past the part of just talking this out?

*RING RING*

PCC- eh?


*PCC answers cell phone and totally ignores Mystick*

PCC- Oh hey doll. My day? You know retirement everyday’s the same. No I’d be happy to pick up some milk on the way back. Can I call you back though, I’m in the middle of something, I love you too.


*PCC and Mystick talk*

Mystick- who was that?

PCC- The wife, we’ve been married for forty five years and I swear the sparks still going.

Mystick- Wow she must be pretty fugley to marry some dude who’s made out of crabs.
  

*PCC bites off Mystick’s head (for real)*

PCC- RAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!


*PCC kills both Captain Steroid and Wonder Wear with his mighty claws*

PCC- did you actually think you ever stood a chance?


*PCC sees Justiceman swoop in out of the corner of his eye*

Justiceman-eh?  


*PCC shoots crabs out of his arms and causes Justiceman to drop out of the sky.*

PCC- I’m seventy years old


*PCC gruesomely hits Justiceman in face*

PCC- I fought in world war two!  


*PCC hits Justiceman in face again*

PCC- won a drinking contest against President Nixon!!


*PCC hits Justiceman in face again*

PCC- Personally killed off the Dodo bird!


*We Justiceman’s face all broken and shattered (half dead!)PCC is grimly standing over it.*

PCC- But while you were waving your dicks at call girls and two cent dictators, you forgot the most important rule of being a superhero

Justiceman-gurgle?


*PCC slams both clenched claws into Justiceman’s chest causing him to cough out heart.*

PCC- to preserve all life  

???- WAAAIT!!


*We find DAA with an ice pack over his head making a surprisingly good point.*

DAA- Didn’t you come out of retirement to teach us a lesson about being good role models and not using unnecessary violence which you then taught us by using unnecessary violence? Wouldn’t that make you a total hypocrite?


*Moment of zen….*

PCC-…oh my god



*PCC freaks the fuck out*      

PCC- I’VE BEEN OUTSIDE TOO LONG!! YOU’VE INFECTED ME!!! I’M SICK. SIIIIIIIICK! UNDER MY FINGERNAILS!

DAA-hey Meryl Streep, take a chill pill


*PCC commits suicide*

PCC- There’d better be some tapioca up there!

DAA- umm….


*DAA catches up*

DAA- I just convinced some old geezer to commit suicide…*

Narrator- Yet another victory for the forces of Justice

DAA-buuut according to the rules of super heroing since I’m the only thing alive in a 5 mile radius I technically win.


*DAA does victory dance*

Narrator- Aquaman takes what he can get

DAA- HA! I finally got one! I won! I won! I…


*Tear between time and space appears we find a tattered Crash (has a beard an eye patch) poking out from the temporal rift totally freaking out DAA.*

DAA- GAH! Christ on a bike!

Crash- Quack! OhmygodohmygodIhadthewierdest12yearseverIbroughtslideshowsandEverything!!!!!

DAA- whoa, slow down your talking too fast.


*Crash starts showing DAA pictures*

Crash- I got trapped back in time and have been trying to get back for the last twelve years! Here’s me inventing the wheel.


*Crash shows him a picture of him assassinating Charlie Chaplin*

Crash- Here’s me killing Hitler (what a week!)


*DAA is freaking out!*

DAA- STOP! Dude you can’t mess with the natural of order of things, our time space continuum is like a fat girl with really low self esteem, if you mess up all your lies she goes ballistic and stars in buttery porn!!    

Crash- I’m lost


*DAA still freaking out*

DAA- Please just tell me you didn’t screw with anything else…

Crash- nope I was cool as a cucumber well except…

DAA- except?

Crash- When I helped an up and coming Austrian actor take out some pesky teen named Juan Connor, but I’m sure that won’t create a sort of post apocalyptic society where robots are carrying out humanities death sentence or anything.


*Suddenly everything becomes warped as if time itself has been rewritten, and now crash and DAA are surrounded by a group of terminator robots( or at least something vaguely similar so I won’t get sued) , DAA has his hands over his face.*

Crash-I mean what are the odds…oh

Narrator-…fucking continuity

TO BE CONTINUED